I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
