I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
