Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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