This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
