you would pick up someone in the library
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
