I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
