When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
