I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i now understand why vodka
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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