I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
areolas are like halos for boobs.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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