it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
