yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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