we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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