there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize