You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
