I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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