the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
