I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
