I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
