I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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