dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize