my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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