Apparently you make a good broom.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
