All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
