I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
