If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you guys were way drunker than both of me
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
