He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize