i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
