I can text with my tongue
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
they're like a gay fantastic four
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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