exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize