He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The uberlube is also flammable
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
