Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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