That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
