my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize