SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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