He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
