well I can't set my house on fire every night
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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