I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
