You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
