i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize