I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
