One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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