If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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