got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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