my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize