she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
