Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
