But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
