Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Is Oprah even human
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
