I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
