Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
