Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Fuck appropriateness.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
