Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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