I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
