I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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