eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize