Can i not drive my cunt home
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Randomize
