He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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