Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
