I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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