Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize