Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
