dude i'm inner monologue high
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
