I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
