I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
