somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
