I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
