Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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